


I Think You Played a Role in the Fantasy I Had of Myself

by viklikesfic (v_angelique)



Series: It's Us Against the World [3]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Dom/sub, Intersex Character, M/M, Sexting, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-15
Updated: 2012-06-24
Packaged: 2017-11-03 17:39:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/384110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/v_angelique/pseuds/viklikesfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I don't normally do WIP, but I wanted to get this out.  This will be a multi-chapter fic in the It's Us Against the World verse, wherein John is a trans man and Sherlock is an intersex man.  Sherlock and John are starting to explore a sort of informal D/s relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Bored. SH

I'm at work, Sherlock. JW

I have been considering the possibility of gently inserting a rigid object into your cunt whilst I am sucking your cock. Would you find this pleasurable? SH

John? SH

AT. WORK. SHERLOCK. JW

Would you find my hypothetical pleasurable? SH

Yes. Go away. JW

I have taken the liberty of attaching a photograph of an object that garnered particularly favourable reviews; however, I would prefer your personal opinion, as most reviewers are idiots. (NSFW) SH

Should I ask what you've been looking at that would inspire you to Google the meaning of NSFW? (Not opening the attachment, Sherlock. I am AT. WORK.) JW

Unnecessary to ask. I would be happy to show you. Presuming your punctual arrival at 221B this evening. SH

Since when are you the one who gives the orders in this relationship? JW

Regarding that topic. I have attached some links to recent research I have conducted. Most Internet authors on the subject imbecilic. These, less so. You may observe details of my personal preferences if you consider following said links. SH

Nice try. I'll observe the details of your personal preferences when you're on your knees at my feet, Sherlock. Not from bloody BDSM 101 blog posts. JW

21:30, by the way. Promptly. JW

~*~

John isn't at all surprised to find Sherlock on his knees next to John's chair in the living room when he steps into the flat at twenty to ten that night. He is surprised to find Sherlock absolutely starkers, head bowed and nipples erect. John hisses in a quick breath of air, locks the door to the flat, hangs up his coat, and quickly goes up to his bedroom to change. When he returns downstairs in a white undershirt and grey trousers, hands and face perfunctorily washed, Sherlock hasn't moved. John sits in the chair and tugs his head back by a handful of hair, rubbing his thumb over Sherlock's lips. 

"Have you been watching porn all day?"

Sherlock smirks a little and shakes his head minutely. "Dull."

"But you have been reading up on kinky sex."

"Dominance and submission," Sherlock corrects. "My interest in what other people do with their sexual organs is minimal."

"So you've been thinking about my sexual organs instead?" John asks, raising an eyebrow and getting another smirk in return.

" _Quite_ so."

John just grunts and bends down slightly for a kiss. "I suppose it's better than shooting the wall. I don't care what you've learned, incidentally."

"I gathered that."

"If anyone's going to teach you about dominance and submission..."

"Teach me," Sherlock breathes, and he sounds so serious, so desperate for John's instruction, that John immediately starts re-evaluating. This isn't just about something that happened to come up the first time they were in bed together, some dirty words that filtered up from John's past experiences to make sex more interesting. It isn't even just about the way Sherlock felt comforted by John's confidence or protective nature towards Sherlock. He wonders what it _is_ about, and how far it goes. But those aren't questions to ask point blank.

"There aren't any right answers," John says softly, digging his blunt fingernails into the back of Sherlock's neck. "There aren't... universal rules, no matter what those websites say."

"I don't care about universal rules. Other people are boring. What are your rules?"

"Don't lie to me. Don't lie to yourself. Trust me."

"Is that all?" Sherlock asked in a faintly condescending tone.

"You'll find those are harder than you think."

Sherlock's eyebrows go up, doubtful.

"I tend to attract men-- _when_ I attract men," John amends, "I tend to attract men who have a need like this." He watches Sherlock's face, but it's impassive as he digs his fingers into lean cords of muscle, massaging Sherlock's neck. "I don't have much formal knowledge about any of this, and I do have certain... frankly, certain _dark_ needs--desires," he corrects himself quickly. "I have desires that are dark and probably unsettling and when we're just getting started with the whole body thing..."

"John," Sherlock interrupts sharply, pitching forward quickly enough that John doesn't react with a counter-motion before Sherlock's reaching up, holding the back of John's head, balanced on the balls of his feet and staring directly into John's eyes. "If you treat me as fragile because of what I am, this is over."

John nods. He can respect that. But then he pushes forward, out of the chair, knocking Sherlock off of his precarious balance and taking Sherlock's biceps in his hands as he falls so that they end up prone, clothed John on top of naked Sherlock. "You have no _idea_ , though," he hisses against Sherlock's mouth, hands still clenching Sherlock's arms and squeezing harder, picturing rings of bruising around Sherlock's pale skin. "The things I think about could send a normal man running."

Sherlock's face twists into a smirk. "Normal men are idiots. I would never let you fall in love with a normal man."

"Is that what we're doing, then?" John asks, his voice surprisingly calm. "Falling in love?" 

Sherlock doesn't bother to answer, but he does bite until copper floods John's mouth when he leans to give Sherlock a kiss, and John thinks he's learning things. What, he doesn't know, but it's a journey for them both.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snippets from John and Sherlock's life, following on immediately from the last chapter.

Later, Sherlock ends up naked on John's bed, screaming into a balled-up handkerchief as John pinches his nipples until he's kicking the bed and howling. He remembers what Irene said about begging for mercy, and he almost thinks he could with John. Maybe he'll find out, if not tonight. 

Sherlock gets off on pain, but it's not always enough for an orgasm. It isn't tonight, and he almost panics but ends up with John's fingers inside him, applying gentle pressure to his inner walls, staring at him so intensely that he starts shaking all over and forgets how to think. It seems that John isn't going to demand he get off, but he isn't planning to let Sherlock off easily, either. He scratches deep welts into Sherlock's inner thighs and gets off on Sherlock's whimpers, pressing him down to the mattress in the end, pressing so hard that Sherlock thinks he may actually suffocate. He wouldn't say no to it, he knows, but John is a doctor and not that careless even in the midst of an orgasm. He does tug the gag out and kiss Sherlock's breath away, but eventually he gives it back, lying still over Sherlock's body and holding him tightly in place. 

~*~

"Do you think your brother _knows_ that he's such a dick?"

Sherlock doesn't crack a smile as he turns the dead woman's jaw to the right. "I think he overestimates the advantage he has over me by virtue of the fact that he has one."

John keeps his smile mostly to himself, glancing up at Lestrade approaches. Thinking about Sherlock's dick in detail on a crime scene might cross a line, even for him.

"Well?"

"Have your men take a good look at her fingernail varnish," Sherlock says curtly, rising from the body and turning his back on the DI.

"Sorry?"

"Her nail varnish, Lestrade! Have your forensics lab analyse it. Even your lot can handle this one!"

John gives the inspector an apologetic shrug and jogs to catch up with Sherlock. "Too boring for you, then?"

"Much. Besides," Sherlock adds, turning a wicked smile sidelong at John. "I have an idea."

John's just recently got to know the meaning of that particular smile, and he swallows hard as Sherlock hails a cab. Right, then.

~*~

"When I was five," Sherlock says, a propos of nothing, sitting across from John as he's cleaning his gun, "I wanted to join the army."

"Oh?" John looks up. "I thought you wanted to be a pirate."

"That was earlier," Sherlock says mildly. "I wanted to be a soldier because my father told me about the army, and he made it sound terribly exciting."

"Was your father an officer?" John asks, his voice very calm and even. Sherlock has never really spoken of his parents. 

"Briefly. It was the history that interested me, the maps of battles."

John smiles, picturing a tiny Sherlock poring over strategies and criticising historical generals for their battle plans. It's much easier to picture than Sherlock in fatigues. 

"He said that lots of little boys grow up and decide to join the army, though he had a different guess about Mycroft. I didn't understand what Mycroft had to do with anything, and I said that _I_ wanted to join the army when I was a grown man."

John bites his lip but says nothing.

"My father was surprised, but it was Mycroft who told me I would never _be_ a grown man. I knew that my parents called me their daughter, of course, and that I was Mycroft's sister, but I was too isolated to that point to really understand the difference, I suppose... our family were never much interested with _people_ ," Sherlock sneers. "I didn't know what being a girl meant until it was too late."

John nods and clasps his hand firmly enough around Sherlock's to communicate that letting go will not be an option. "You would've made a bloody awful soldier," he murmurs with a smile. "You don't take orders very well from... well... almost anyone."

"Mm," Sherlock agrees, though a whisper of a smile comes to his lips as well.

"You showed Mycroft, though. No wonder he likes to believe that we're just irritating children." John presses his lips to Sherlock's neck and holds them there. "He can't let himself see the man you've grown up to become. It's beyond his willingness to comprehend that now he's the child moving pawns on a battle map, and you're a grown-up man who actually _understands_ things. Sometimes even people," he adds, fingertip tracing a firm but meaningless pattern in Sherlock's palm.

"Only when you're here," Sherlock murmurs, and John doesn't bother to correct him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Houston, I think we may have a plot emerging. Sort of.

"Harry?" Sherlock asks when John glances at a text and then puts his phone down without replying.

"Mm," John agrees, staring at the television without really watching it. Sherlock comes over after a moment and sits down next to him on the sofa, curling up against him with the usual gymnastic grace.

"Is it very strange," Sherlock starts to ask, and then hesitates, his mouth still against John's shoulder.

"What? Go on."

"Is it strange seeing her? Seeing what you would have looked like if you hadn't transitioned?"

John just laughs and tangles a hand in Sherlock's hair. "Bloody hell, yes." He feels Sherlock's smile, and pauses a moment before he elaborates. "I talked to another trans identical twin about it once. She feels the same way, seeing her brother. She doesn't avoid him but it never gets quite normal."

Sherlock nods. "Where did you meet her?"

"Online. On a forum I used to use a lot when I was figuring things out."

"Online?" Sherlock sounds surprised. "You met other transsexual people online?"

Coming from Sherlock, the specificity doesn't mean anything except that he's precise as always, and John just smiles. "All trans guys meet people online. My name is John, and this is my voice after twelve years on T," he jokes. Sherlock sits up and gives him a blank look. "Nevermind."

"Did you meet... sexual partners there?"

John shakes his head. "Not really. I was kind of old. I felt like a pedophile when I was in med school and all the other trans guys online were seventeen or something. I actually talked more with the women that were my age." 

"But you didn't have sex with them?"

"No. I was never interested in women, despite rumours to the contrary."

"Okay." Sherlock's questioning period appears to be over, and as he slips down the sofa with his head falling into John's lap, John just shifts and returns a hand to his hair. He even relinquishes the remote.

~*~

"I'm tired," Sherlock admits one night. It's three 'o clock in the morning, more specifically, and Sherlock has slipped under John's sheets next to him. His fingers clutch John's thigh and his nails dig in to the point of pain, even through John's pyjamas. His voice breaks a little, even on a two-word sentence, his mouth near John's ear and John knows that point of exhaustion because he's felt it so many times himself. It's been weeks of back-to-back cases, Sherlock's mind running on overdrive, and too many trips to his palace--Sherlock doesn't know, but John keeps track, knows what's normal and what's likely to be a mental strain. Sherlock's brain may not be _average_ , but he's still human, and John's still a doctor. John's _Sherlock's_ doctor, for all the purposes that matter. He lets himself feel that biting pain of fingernails and then he flips, pins, presses a firm palm against Sherlock's forehead and bites his throat with teeth capturing his Adam's apple between them. Sherlock releases a shuddering breath.

"I know," John murmurs when he lets go, licking the skin and feeling a surge of protective instinct in his belly. "It's all right," he says, soft but matter-of-fact, and shifts his body to cradle Sherlock, lying on his side, his leg hooked over Sherlock's and pulling it back, forcing him to expose himself when John's tugged Sherlock's pyjamas down. He slips the other hand under Sherlock's neck and makes him suck two of John's fingers. John's learned, over the weeks of this sudden sexual relationship, to give Sherlock a simple task that makes him focus with the easy primal part of his brain that just wants to obey orders, something that will shut off his higher functions and allow John to take advantage of Sherlock's trust with the sole purpose of bringing him pleasure.

John is greedy for Sherlock's pleasure, greedy in ways he's afraid might be read as fetishistic, though he has a response prepared if Sherlock ever brings up that thought. The fact is, he's absurdly fascinated by every inch of Sherlock because he's addicted so hard that to lose Sherlock would crack him down the middle, and he just wants to push his face against Sherlock's skin and inhale, to hold him until he can never slip away. It's a good match--Sherlock Holmes would never disagree that Sherlock Holmes is fascinating. 

The egotistical bent doesn't bother John because the rest of the world can fuck off, and Sherlock _is_ amazing, and John also needs to be the one to massage the layers of brilliance away and just let him rest for a while. He needs Sherlock like this, relaxed and calm and worshipful, sucking on his fingers as he slowly manipulates Sherlock's genitals and takes mental notes at every gasp, every accidental bite. He feeds on that high until Sherlock is keening and sucking like he can't get enough skin, trying to rock his hips and force himself against the strong grip of John's leg. Sherlock's dick pulses between his fingers, and he keeps rubbing until his palm is clammy and Sherlock is making a noise of distaste at his dampened underwear.

Sometimes John doesn't want Sherlock to know how much he needs him. Sometimes he desperately does.

~*~

"I need to know that you're on my side," John says, the steadiness of his hands in his pockets giving lie to the danger at hand. Moriarty's getting closer, and though this is the last place John wants to be, he will never even think of compromising any bargaining chip he might have that will be valuable when he needs to protect Sherlock. Sherlock is _his_ , his brain screams, and if keeping it that way means walking into the lion's den, John will not hesitate.

Mycroft Holmes quirks his lips into a half-smile, fingers clasping on the solid desktop. "Have I ever been on your side, Doctor Watson?"

John glares at him for a good thirty seconds before Mycroft raises his eyebrows. "The question was not rhetorical."

"I have no idea," John admits. "But I think things are changing," he admits, not so much cryptic as uncertain, because he is not a Holmes, nor a genius, and he has to run on instinct as he always has when it comes to keeping Sherlock safe. "I need to know I can trust you. Not in general," he adds quickly, because he would never trust Mycroft in general, not in a million light years. "But with regard to Sherlock's life. I need to trust you with that."

Mycroft's eyes narrow with what may or may not be respect. "I don't agree with the great majority Sherlock's life choices," he says with a cold honesty. "But I am not altogether cruel, Doctor. Sherlock remains my sibling. You might remind him that from time to time."

John ignores the jab and turns to leave. He has what he needed. Later, he'll ask himself if it was all a trick, like the fairytale villain whose words hold layer upon layer of treacherous meaning. But if intuition serves, then John does not believe Mycroft has gone to the devil just yet. He hopes not, at any rate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note added July 2015: So it's been three years since I updated this one, and part of the reason is that I've been trying to think of a way to conclude THIS story in the series so that I can get to the NEXT story in the series, which is nearly finished. I just suddenly realized that this is not a terrible ending to this section, and so I'm going to leave it here and focus on posting the next story. I may change my mind and come back to this part of the chronology at some point, but I think it's generally a finished thought. Thank you for all the amazing comments and encouragement to continue!!


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